I read in Popbitch that Islamic suicide bombers wrap their penises in white cotton before going on a job in order to protect them from the blast. While I always treat Popbitch with caution and it does sound like a whacko piece of anti-Islamic propaganda, I guess it may be true. After all, many believe the main reward for martyrdom is 72 virgins (Hamas propagate this when recruiting) and so it would make sense to keep your equipment well protected. But what of the rest of you? This seems to imply that body parts destroyed in this life don’t make it to the next, so there’s a chance the penis will be all alone, so powerful are modern explosives.
As you’d expect, many Muslims are embarrassed by and dispute the 72 virgins thing. Yet it’s a debate that’s been going on for centuries. Writing at the turn of the fourteenth century Al-Suyuti said, ‘the penis of the Elected never softens. The erection is eternal… Each chosen one will marry seventy… and all will have appetising vaginas.’ But many reckon Al-Suyuti got it wrong and it’s not virgins, but raisins and other fruit that awaits each Muslim (not just martyrs) in heaven. What a bummer that would be, trying to make 72 raisins last an eternity.