Steven Gerrard burglary… simply zap and arrest

With Steven Gerrard the sixth Liverpool football player to be burgled while on the pitch, the Telegraph has suggested the team may be suffering an away-day curse. (One commenter has suggested Liverpool play all their games at home, but unless home means the players’ shared back garden, I don’t think this will work.)

Not being the superstitious type, I suspect something even more sinister than a curse. I reckon a gang of burglars has sussed that if the player is on the pitch, he’s not in his house and the only thing between them and some expensive swag, is a WAG. Let’s face it, Alex Curran probably isn’t much use in a fight.

And I’ll go further. The Cracker in me says this gang is not made up of Liverpool FC fans (although I’ve no hard evidence to implicate Evertonians).

The good news is that they should be relatively easy to catch. A couple of coppers (or rozzers as they’re known in that part of the world) armed with Tasers should lie in wait at each players’ house. I suggest they arrive in good time dressed in plain clothes (Burberry, gold chains, tracksuit bottoms), so as not to look suspicious in the event that the gaff is being watched. When the gang turns up, simply zap and arrest.

(I have no comment to make on the rumour that Merseyside Police Authority is about to offer me the chief constable’s job. I’m sure they have every faith in the current management.)

Anyway. If you’re looking for something a little more uplifting, here’s the Gerrard family and friends in happier times…

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