Spare a thought for Sky’s zombie musicians

I imagine it’s just me, but the Muzak-style noise made by Sky boxes while you’re desperately searching the programme guide for something to watch is on the verge of driving me mad, or at least reaching for the mute button.

It’s trying so hard to be inoffensive, it can’t help but be totally offensive.

Worse, it reminds me of the worst restaurant meal I ever had. This was taken, not surprisingly, in Wales. The starter was a prawn cocktail, the sauce of which might have been made by mixing tomato ketchup and mayonnaise, it came with a modest, fresh-ish side salad; the main was a piece of salmon that had most likely been frozen a decade before, it came with a modest, not-so-fresh side salad; then there was cheese and biscuits, doorstops of near-frozen coloured cheddars, which came with a modest, wilted side salad.

But what topped the meal, was not so much the recurring side-salad but the inoffensive music they played; Chris De Burgh on bloody pan pipes… over and over again.

Nevertheless, we should spare a thought for the poor session musicians who churn out this crap. Nobody grows up with dreams of making inoffensive Muzak for set-top boxes. The chances are that these people once had dreams of stadium gigs, world tours, groupies and drug fuelled orgies. Instead, they are zombie musicians.

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